2. He sold his soul to the devil

3. He’s used some of his $126 million contract to bribe batters around the National League

4. His 3-0, 1.32 ERA season thus far has actually been Zito’s wish as part of the Make-a-Wish Foundation (he more than earned his wish through all of his suffering over the past three seasons)

5. He met a girl

6. He’s decided to get all of his wins for this season out of the way before June

7. Prior to his recent shutout of St. Louis, he had his friends in the local Chinese mafia intimidate the Cardinals

8. He’s taken a page from Lawrence Taylor and sent call girls to the hotel rooms of his opponents the night before games

9. Bill Neukom called Zito into his office before the season and told him in no uncertain terms he would be “disappeared” if he didn’t get it together, citing the example of Trevor Wilson

10. Like the 2003 film Bruce Almighty, Zito has secretly been given God-like powers for a limited time. Am I the only one who’s noticed Morgan Freeman in the stands? It still isn’t going to win Zito the love of Jennifer Aniston

Seriously, though, what gives? Zito looks awesome so far and his WHIP of 0.84 is roughly half of what it was two years ago. He’s making an early case for the Cy Young award, even if the Giants have cooled a little off of their hot start.

Graham Womack is a writer in the San Francisco Bay Area and the author of Baseball: Past and Present